Sniglets

aquadextrous

—

the ability to turn faucets on and off with your toes.

burbulation

—

the act of trying to open the refrigerator door before that little automatic light comes on.

carperpetuation

—

the act of running over a piece of lint or string eight or nine times with a vacuum cleaner, then having to reach over, pick it up, inspect it, and give it one more chance.

elecelleration

—

the mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button, the faster it arrives.

flagraphobia

—

fear that the cashier is going to try to charge you for that magazine you’ve been sneak reading.

flen

—

the black crusty residue found on the necks of old ketchup bottles.

fluddeling

—

the act of doing something stupid then trying to be cool about it.

food flotsam

—

those misplaced items which often show up on your grocery bill quite mysteriously.

furbling

—

the act of having to wander through a maze of ropes in an airport or bank, even when you’re the only person in line.

geezleflew

—

any object attached to a service station restroom key to prevent you from stealing it.

grackles

—

those old wrinkles that appear on your body when you’ve stayed in the tub too long.

idiot box

—

the part of the envelope that tells people where to place the stamp, when they can’t quite figure it out for themselves.

lactomangulation

—

manhandling a milk carton so badly that you’re forced to resort to the so-called “illegal” side.

laminites

—

those strange people that show up in the photo section of brand new wallets.

lebbetts

—

those mangled pieces of bread in the front of the bag that people pass over thinking the stuff in the middle is “fresher.”

lub

—

any large particle of food that becomes lodged in someone’s teeth. Though relatively harmless, lubs can lead to deep-seated anxieties such as “lubophobia.”

motspur

—

the pesky fourth wheel on a shopping cart that doesn’t work along with the others.

mumphreys

—

those strange extra digits you find on push button phones.

porkus non grata

—

the squashed piece of bacon at the bottom of every package.

premblememblemation

—

whenever you drop a letter in the mailbox, you always recheck to make sure it’s gone down.

purpitation

—

the act of taking food from one shelf, deciding you don’t want it, and replacing it in another section.

scrit

—

anything that’s sat in the same position for at least fifty years ... like those bottles of hair tonic you always find in barber shops.

snorfing

—

the little game waitresses love to play of waiting until a customer has his mouth full to inquire if everything is all right.

spagmumps

—

the several million wads of styrofoam accompanying a mail order item.

speraws

—

the pinch marks at the end of hot dogs.

sperrets

—

those marks you get on your face from sleeping on a chenille bedspread.

spork

—

the combination spoon and fork device you find at fast food restaurants.

spratchetts

—

those rubber things at the checkout line that look like airplane windshield wipers.

squimmitts

—

the disgusting threads you always find between the peel and the banana.

stroodle

—

that annoying strand of pizza that never seems to break.

strumbles

—

those unseen obstacles that you pretend made you trip when it was actually your own stupid clumsiness.

supermegalaphobia

—

fear of someone walking in on you in a public toilet.

telecrastination

—

the habit of never answering the phone on a first ring, even when it’s six inches away.

thermalophobia

—

the fear of being scalded to death when you’re in the shower.

twinch

—

the strange head twist that a dog makes when he hears a high pitched noise.

yinkel

—

any person who combs his hair over his bald spot thinking nobody will notice.